Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
