got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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