the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize