I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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