I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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