We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
