The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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