something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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