I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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