I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I think i got beer on your cat.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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