Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize