Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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