he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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