cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
