my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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