Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
