Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
