my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize