I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
