my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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