I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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