she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
