I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
