We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
