Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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