Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
