I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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