best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
