He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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