Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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