It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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