Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
