I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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