making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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