my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
