My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
