Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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