i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
