The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
