He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
