I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
