you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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