I'm drive I can fine osifer
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I take back everything I said about communal showers
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize