I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
