we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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