You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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