I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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