There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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