Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
