I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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