we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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