I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I understand Curling. That high.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
