So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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