If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
