i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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