Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
