someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
