Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
