I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
