We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
where are my eyebrows?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
